Sunday Morning Sermon
I wanted to write something really honest. Down to the bone. So I’m going to warn you right now, if you’re having a down week, don’t read this, if it’s been a hard day and you’re trolling the web looking for clues on how to live a better life, then keep on surfin’…
If you’re in the mood for a tough-love sermon, read on, sisters and brothers…
We lose a lot of our friends. Some of them leave us and we gather and wonder why.
Sometimes they don’t completely leave this world, sometimes they just give up, live a “half-life,” compromise what they wanted, convince themselves what they have is OK and go on staying alive, but not really living.
I’ll tell you why this happens. Transition is hard. It is a LONG process. There are many pitfalls and detours along the way. Those that give up were not ready for the challenges.
You gotta have your house in order as best you can before you start. Get real Zen, do a lot of therapy, or Yoga, or Tae-Kwon-Do, or whatever (non-chemical) thing calms you down and gets your ass centered.
Pay down those bills, get your ass in shape and learn how to live real simply.
Because you will falter, and you will need strength at some point, and I hate to say it, you’re the only one that’s gonna help you. You’re gonna need time, and space, and I dare say money, to fuck shit up. Some people can’t deal with that. And they give up. You gotta decide early on that you are in this for the long run and be ready.
PEOPLE GET READY.
I’ve been ready to give up.
I’ve been there.
More than once.
Once it was because an asshole doctor gave me synthetic progesterone when I asked for natural, and I found myself actually planning how I would check out, on paper, before I picked up the phone and said, um, doc, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU PUT ME ON?
But usually, it was because I was exhausted. Physically, monetarily, spiritually. Because I didn’t see any reason to go on.
Because life wasn’t EVER GONNA BE THE WAY I WANTED IT TO BE, so what was the point anyway?
That’s right. I believe that is the thought that gets most of us. “It ain’t never gonna be the way I wanted.”
It ain’t. Very very few of us get our shit together early enough to make this change before we’ve already aged a bit, before things get at least a little complicated.
This is a real trap for us MtFs, we start getting into shape, those hormones kick in, the electro starts to take hold, and we start looking 5, 10 years younger, feeling better about ourselves—all good.
Until we actually start to believe we can turn back the clock. Yeah, there ain’t no Superman or Superwoman that’s gonna fly around your world and make that happen, so do expect it.
That was my biggest delusion. Transition was gonna be a big reset button on my life. I was gonna be able to GO BACK and fix all those things I had done wrong, all the damage I had done to myself, and others, have all the FUN I never had…
HA! That was the one that damn near killed me more than once. Partying like I was a kid, hanging out with a crowd that was 5, 10, 15 years younger and trying to keep up with them. My HRT would protect me. My beautiful skin would fool them, and I would live ALL of the life I never lived, and then some, dragging my ass home and taking all day to recover.
It was usually after a night like that I’d realize:
It don’t work that way.
You cannot go back.
There IS, HOWEVER, going FORWARD. But, unless you truly believe in signs and zodiacs and sidewalk psychics, there is no way to predict the future. You just have to flexible, relaxed, chill, Zen, and be open to good possibilities, while keeping up with all of those current responsibilities…
Put your FAITH in YOUR SELF and YOUR FUTURE, and YOUR READINESS.
Don’t think about SHOULDA, WOULDA, COULDA. What’s DONE is DONE.
Your self, your future, your readiness. That’s where you gotta spend your energy.
Wow, all those years , trying to make up my mind, I kept asking for a mantra. Searching, searching… I kept writing about a “crisis of faith,” because I did not trust myself, and there it is.
YOUR SELF, YOUR FUTURE, YOUR READINESS.
(Ain’t nobody gonna help me except myself, Amen.)
Let me just say that all the same stuff goes for our younger brothers and sisters. I didn’t transition in college because I was NOT READY. I was living inside a shell of someone else that was gonna take years to break, and I knew that. And I was very real with myself about money. I knew no one else was gonna save me. So I went to work.
But now that we have kids proclaiming their trans-ness at 4,5,6,7… Kids making all these changes in what seems to be a good time—during those malleable high school or college years…the truth may have set them free, in one way, but it has also given them much more of a burden.
If you transition early, unless you are somehow independently wealthy, you are going to have to work harder than those around you to get work, to keep work, and to earn respect—much less pay for transition. You are going to face day-to-day challenges that your young comrades do not. You will hate them for it, but don’t waste your energy…once again, get Zen, get centered, get to know yourself and your strengths and get MOVING.
YOU are the only one that’s going to move yourself forward. Do what you gotta do first. You can take time to help your friends now and again, but don’t ghettoize yourself. Get out into the real-world fray and fight on the same terms that everyone else does.
BECAUSE you ARE better that everyone else. You ARE SPECIAL, you are MORE HONEST, and TOGETHER and LESS AFRAID than the rest of humanity that goes through the motions and watches reality shows and gets married at 27 and breeds at 30, has two cars and a house in the fucking suburbs.
You ARE BETTER THAN THAT.
But it doesn’t entitle you to ANYTHING. You WILL NOT get special treatment. You will face challenges THEY CAN’T EVEN IMAGINE.
But you WILL WIN. As long as you’re honest with yourself and don’t expect anything fucking magical to happen.
YOUR SELF, YOUR FUTURE, YOUR READINESS.
The truth has set you free.
Now start runnin’.